Pretentious Apes cover
Published April 16, 2026
Format eBook
Pages 250
ISBN not issued
Category Science Fiction / Philosophy
Licence CC BY-NC-SA 4.0 Creative Commons BY-NC
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Pretentious Apes

A story about instinct, higher values and the System That Contains Both

by Mark T. Britton

Even the most advanced race cannot predict the future. There are times however when all eyes turn and see the same objective reality. This is one of those times. The execution of the plan may not play out as intended though.

Chapter Ten

Execution

The best-laid plans of mice and men

Robert Burns

"Philbert! Man-oh-man, I was just thinking about whatever happened to you. How are ya, buddy?" Jay responded with joy.

"You know me, I got hung up and obsessed with this quantum mechanics shit and haven’t done much else for a few years. But life is good here. So what’s been up with Jay?"

"Well, you may have heard that I moved onshore when my health went south on me. Kay and I bought a nice condo that’s walking distance from the beach and our old hangouts."

"Damn, Jay, I’m so sorry. You’ve been on the boat and on the water for what, twenty-five years? What’s this about your health?"

"It’s not good. I have an untreatable cancer and probably will be checking out in a few months. But I feel good for now. Kay and I still go to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down and have a couple of beers with the tribe."

The conversation went on for a while, catching up on lost friends, work bullshit, music, and politics.

Jay asked, "How are you and Cassie doing?"

Philbert gave Jay an update on how well it was going with Cassie, along with beefs about work issues and technology irritations. They laughed and joked. Two old buds showing mutual love and respect.

"Hey, you two should take a break and come down here. I have a nice guest room and I’d love to put you two up for as long as you like. We have the beach, museums, and great restaurants all in walking distance. Come visit your old bud one last time."

"Cassie and I have been talking about getting away for a long time, but can’t seem to pull the trigger. I had a great solo backpacking trip last year, but Cassie hasn’t had a vacation for, shit, five years maybe. It sounds really nice. I’ll run it by her."

When the call ended, he felt a bit guilty about deceiving his old friend.

"Sorry to hear about Jay being so ill," Passant said.

"The world needs more people like him. I feel bad that I’ve not stayed in contact. He seems to be good for now, and it will be wonderful to be with him for a while."

"I hate to say this, because it will seem insensitive, but our job just got easier and safer for you guys. How Jay gets the C-TRAN software needs to be obscured so that suspicion will not point to you. We Fen had planned for extensive hacking of phones and your car to hide the trip. With Jay being terminally ill, the trip will be seen as a normal expression of brotherhood.

The timing of the Perp indictments and the first live whale conversation must be perfect. When prominent CEOs and others begin to resign and donate massive amounts of money, there will be questions. The stock market will react. The first public conversation with the whales will dominate the news cycle instead. Later, when the WETI project releases the software to the public, the attention will be sustained. When the national security folks see the complexity of the C-TRAN software, they will want to hire the designer. They will use every tool at their disposal to find you.

"So, let’s get you ready for the most important trip of your lives and perhaps the most meaningful vacation in history."


It was delightful to be on the road together. Work responsibilities forgotten, Lou was watching the house and taking care of Bohr the cat. They stopped frequently for food and sightseeing. They bantered and listened to music.

The trip could have been done in a day, but they took three days. Life is good.

Jay was prepared for their arrival. He had margaritas and a spread of food with lobster, shrimp, and local fruits. He, Kay, and Cassie hit it off immediately. They were both the rare kind of people that after the first meeting you would feel like you have known them your entire life.

Jay had his sun telescope and a laptop set up on the deck. He had extraordinary time-lapse videos of coronal ejections on the sun. It was fascinating to see in real time as well.

The afternoon went quickly with continuous stories and many laughs. They went to Jay’s beach bar to watch the sun go down.

The place was called the "Sunset Pub." The indoor part was unique, to say the least. There was a tank with a live octopus named "Cleo." There were items from the ocean all over the walls. The bar was a humongous configuration of old hardwoods, mirrors, and carvings.

The place seemed to perk up when they entered. Jay seemed to know everyone and the introductions were endless. They got a table on the deck. An old John Prine song came on the jukebox, and everyone sang along to "Illegal Smile," grinning like fools. It was apparent that this was Jay’s living room and his tribe. It reminded Philbert of Da Baa.

A bell rang and everyone rose in unison. The music stopped. Everyone lined up at the deck rail. The sun was going down. Someone started singing "Amazing Grace." It was quite an experience.

After the sun was down, the place started to clear out and they walked back to Jay’s place with perhaps more of a buzz than they had intended. Jay was tanked and called it a night. Philbert, Kay, and Cassie sat on the deck for a while enjoying the pleasant sea air. They retired soon and slept like babies.


Jay had breakfast and coffee ready when they got up. They ate on the deck and talked about everything under the sun. When Jay mentioned oceanography, Philbert segued to the subject at hand.

"Jay, old boy, I have something that I think will blow your mind."

Philbert got his laptop and started the demo video of the workings of the C-TRAN software.

"Hold on tight," Jay chuckled. Cassie and Philbert did not.

The video opened with an explanation of the WETI project to communicate with whales. A fortunate accident had placed the researchers in a position to observe the birth of a whale baby. Hydrophones monitored the whale sounds, and drones overhead and underwater monitored the movement of the pod members around the mother.

The video opened with an underwater shot of the pod. Their clicking sounds could be heard. A second shot was from above the pod.

It continued with the birth of the baby and various shots of whales entering and leaving the pod. There was a sequence showing how two adult whales lifted the mother to the surface.

The video ended with an interview of one of the researchers outlining what all of this data had revealed. They had identified the individual roles played in the birth. There was a midwife directing the effort. There were two whales assigned to periodically lift the mother to the surface. There were several individuals assigned as observers. And finally there was an outer ring of individuals monitoring for threats.

But then came the kicker dialogue from the researcher: "We have identified more than one hundred codas from the whale sounds. The whale language is at least as complex as human languages."

"Pretty cool, eh?" said Philbert.

"You betcha, dude. I have been all over this since the beginning. I was actually on that research vessel many years ago. I’ve worked with several of the researchers and I’ve gotten updates recently.

"They have identified several of the most common words and tested them on the whales with good results. They are confident that with time they will be able to interpret the entire language," Jay stated wisely.

"Well, Jay, what if we had a working translator now?"

With a light in his eyes, Jay turned to Cassie and asked, "He’s jerking my chain, isn’t he?"

Cassie slowly shook her head no, with a solemn look on her face.

"No, seriously? You have translated their language?"

"Yep."

Philbert started and initialized the C-TRAN software application. He then started the video of the birth process.

The program began speaking in various voices.

The voice of the midwife issued commands like "If you need to evacuate, leave the area now," "push her up for a breath," and "be careful with your flukes around the baby."

Various voices of the young ones were heard. "Oh, look, his head is out!" "What is that goo?" "When can we go play?"

This went on for some time before Jay, despite his weakened physical condition, began to pace around.

"This is fucking incredible, buddy, how in the hell did you do this? Some of the brightest minds on the planet have been working on this for years and have gotten nowhere," Jay finally exclaimed.

"It all started when the WETI project published the entire data set complete with accurate time-stamps. But when I saw that the team did not have a computer scientist, audio engineer, or A.I. expert, I realized that my skill set should be applied to the task.

I found terabytes of recordings of the whales and some video as well. I used digital signal processing to enhance the individual voices and, in some cases, indicate directional data. The rest was done with A.I., which took months of analysis. A.I. did the coding of the user interface to complete the package."

"Holy crap, man, do you understand how earthshaking this will be? The animal rights people will go ballistic. Whaling ships will be bombed. Christ, the preachers will have a field day. Governments and industry will want to exploit whales. Shit, I can’t imagine how this will change the world," Jay exclaimed while still pacing.

"Yes, Cassie and I have talked about it at length. We have a good life, and this would disrupt everything. I want to be kept out of it. I don’t need or want the fame."

Jay stood at the deck rail for some time. All were quiet. Cassie questioned Philbert with her eyes, "What’s up with Jay?" He responded with a gesture, "He is thinking."

After a few minutes, Jay muttered "Ha!" and went into the house. He returned with a bottle and four glasses.

"This is a toast to the brilliant boy who is changing history." Jay was in for the ride of his life.

"This is much too important to not do. I know these people, and they trust me. I’ll simply say that the author of the translator software has sadly passed away and his family is asking us to respect their privacy. The issue will pass. After all, who remembers the people who design our useful programs anyhow? It is sad but fortunate that your secret will die with me.

"I will take the C-TRAN package to them personally. I want to be on that research vessel when the first public conversation with the whales is broadcast.

"We need to have faith. It seems to me that through all of history things happen for a reason and at the proper time. Humans have blindly put this Earth at risk, but now, at just the right time, we get this shocking message from an innocent and playful species. Humans may very well experience humility for the first time.

"From what I have seen, it looks like the whales will be teaching us how to live happy and fulfilling lives in harmony with nature.

"He laughed and added that the days ahead looked so bright he’d need shades.

"Because my health status could change overnight, this needs to happen quickly. I’ll be leaving for the coast tomorrow. You guys are welcome to stay here as long as you like," was Jay’s final statement of intent.

They celebrated for the remainder of the day. It was an emotional parting the next day when Jay left for the airport. It would likely be the last time together for the two old friends.


Cassie and Philbert took a long week to get home. They went to the Salvador Dalí museum in St. Petersburg. They took day hikes in the wilderness near Asheville, NC. They drove the Blue Ridge highway.

They didn’t talk about the whales, or the Fen, or the Perps, or the events to come.

Bohr the cat was ecstatic when Philbert got home. "I wish I could understand his words," Philbert thought. Maybe someday.


Ten days later the WETI project released a statement and a short video of the first fully translated conversation with whales. The video was a short conversation that was mostly greetings and statements of well-being. The whale speech was eloquent but playful and childlike. Human curiosity was piqued. The statement announced that a live interview would be broadcast on the following Monday.

That eleventh day of July came to be known as "Nexus Day."

The Interview

"Welcome to the first live and public conversation with the whales of our South Pacific Ocean. We are grateful for the cooperation of so many media outlets around the world for broadcasting this event live. At last count, our audience had reached 2.7 billion people, making it the most viewed event in history. I am Bill Tinkcraft and I’ll be your host for this extraordinary event."

The camera panned the room showing the panel members, Malcomb’s podium desk, and various pieces of equipment. In an on-screen sidebar was an underwater view of the area.

"The speaker representing humanity today will be Malcomb. He has a few words before we start."

"Thank you all for being here. We have learned so much about these wonderful creatures over the last few months. First and foremost is that they are joyful, playful, and curious, much like our own young children. We have found that they are easily distracted by background noise that they interpret to be playtime. For this reason, I ask that the room remain silent throughout the interview.

"In a moment we will issue the summoning call. It typically takes fifteen minutes to a half an hour for them to assemble. You may notice a considerable amount of clicks and chatter from them through this time. They are always excited to talk with us. They typically settle down quickly after the first elder speaks.

"We have assigned names to the whales that speak often. They are Marcus, Seneca, Cicero, Epictetus, Lucretius, Plotinus, and Boethius. Seneca is an elder female and appears to be the pod leader. Boethius is a young male that made the ‘humans are dumb’ comment. Plotinus is the mother of Boethius.

"The translated whale speech text will be on the big monitor to the left. The translator also will synthesize the voices of the whale participants," Malcomb advised.

"Here we go," Malcomb announced.

MALCOMB: Hi there.

After the clicks and chatter from the whales and the human banter ended, the room became quiet.

SENECA: Hello Malcomb, are you well?

Seneca’s synthesized voice on the speakers was deep and comforting.

MALCOMB: I am well. I ate food. I played with a ball. I spoke with many friends. Are you well, Seneca?

SENECA: I am. I did not eat, but we explored the deep. We saw a group of [UNTRANSLATABLE] doing [UNTRANSLATABLE].

MALCOMB: Today we have many humans listening to our talk. Is there anything that you would like to say?

SENECA: Yes, yes. Come play with us. The waters are clear and quiet today. We love to play with humans.

C-TRAN: Interpreted as cheering approval from several of them.

MALCOMB: Thanks, Seneca, but we have many questions today. Is that OK?

C-TRAN: Brief chatter between the elders interpreted as consultation. The words "boring," "silly," and "short" were heard. One of the young ones muttered "throw us a ball."

SENECA: Of course, Mr. Malcomb.

MALCOMB: When we last spoke, you mentioned that we are not the most advanced species on Earth. What did you mean?

The response was explosive. The underwater view showed the whales curling around, flapping their flukes, and blowing bubbles.

C-TRAN: ERROR 42: Too many voices.

SENECA: We do not understand why humans and the Fen do not communicate. We have been together for thousands of generations.

MALCOMB: Could we go to them?

C-TRAN: Indicative of joyous but derisive laughter.

SENECA: They have come to you too. They are everywhere. They are too small to see. They see small things and they see big things, everywhere. We talk with them all day, every day.

The research room was no longer quiet. Malcomb held up his hand and motioned for calm.

MALCOMB: You can’t see them, but they talk to you?

SENECA: Yes.

C-TRAN: The word "Fen" will be considered a deity for now.

The panel passed notes to Malcomb. He quickly scanned them and then asked:

MALCOMB: Are the Fen like a God to you?

YOUNG WHALE: Humans are boring.

A group of the young ones broke off and swam away to play. The elders grouped closely for a few minutes, and then Seneca replied.

SENECA: The Fen help us find food. They help us talk to the other creatures in the water and on the land. They help us talk to you. We do not know what the word God means.

MALCOMB: Why do you think that the Fen are more advanced than us?

SENECA: They know much more than humans. They do not smell bad. They are quiet. They do not dig things up to dump into our water. We love them.

C-TRAN: Unknown meaning. Interpreted as "love" for now. It could also mean appreciation, admiration, or worship.

MALCOMB: What do the Fen think of humans?

SENECA: Humans make the water smell. Humans make noise in the water. Humans put inedible stuff into the water. Humans dig up the beautiful land to make ugly things. Humans kill each other. Humans kill things that they do not eat. Humans are ignorant.

SENECA: May we go play and see now, Malcomb?

MALCOMB: Yes, Seneca. Have fun.

"I think that we were just humiliated and blown off by an animal!" one of the researchers exclaimed.


Narrator

Jay’s observation that things happen when they should was on point. Humans are about to experience the full force of The God System.

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