Pretentious Apes

Philbert's shop used to reek of cigar smoke. Now it smells of burnt phenolic circuit boards and milling oil. The cigar smell was better. Libby calls it "that smell" and rarely stays in the shop for long because of it.

The Array device occupied a considerable space on the workbench as Philbert always wired stuff up with casual abandon. It was frigging ugly. The device was composed of the Array itself, a matrix of amplifiers, a Peltier solid-state cooler, a microprocessor board and a speaker.

The Array proper was a matrix of reversed bias zener diodes and a few supporting components, all hand soldered and arranged in a geometry that had arrived in his head at three in the morning eleven months ago and that he still couldn't fully account for, even to himself.

He had tried to explain it to Lou many times over beers at Da Baa what quantum mechanics is and how it led to the invention of the Array. The talk would always end with Lou saying "Woo". They would laugh and go on to decide who was the GOAT running back.

Tonight was different. Philbert had the pattern recognition software running and what had previously been white noise on the speaker was now having a pattern. Lou, to his credit, was actually listening.

"So you have this thing that puts out noise," Lou said, with the patience of a man on his second beer. What are you listening for anyway?"

"Well, it's supposed to pick up signals from alternate timelines but I don't know for sure what it is doing until I test for interference from radio stations or something else."

Philbert could not resist re-explaining the double slit experiment and the Many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics. Lou understandably listened more closely to the music on the jukebox than to Philbert.

That had been seven months ago. Months of waking at 4:00 AM to make notes, months of adding tank circuits to 1024 elements of the array, and months of software updates that fixed one thing and broke two others.

Bohr the cat had contributed to the project in his uniquely feline way by stepping on the high voltage section of the circuit, causing untold destruction. Bohr was OK but squealed a sound that caused the neighbors dog to bark as though all hell was breaking loose. Repairs took days of boring part replacement work.

At 2:57 on October 17 after a nap and an unsatisfying bowl of ramen, he powered the Array up for what felt like the millionth time.

Something was different. The usual hum had shifted — it sounded almost like breathing, or a voice humming a mantra under its breath. He turned the volume up.

The pattern recognition software beeped a notification. There was coherent data in the noise.

"Shit, I've got to pee"

He went to the house to use the bathroom (it popped into his head that god must have made urination and orgasm on the same day). He warmed his now cold coffee and returned to the shop.

The pattern recognition beeps were now continuous, he turned them off.

Thirty years of R&D work had taught him one foundational truth: beliefs and opinions mean nothing when you're designing something that has to actually work. Only knowledge and understanding count. What happened next was neither knowledge nor understanding.

"Hello Philbert"

The voice was understandable but muddled, and it was followed by other weird sounds. Philbert assumed that he was picking up interference from someones phone or a radio nearby. He disconnected the amplifier matrix from the array and tested all 1024 of them for a noise level. All good. Just to be sure he put a Faraday shield of copper screen around the amplifiers. Still all quiet. He reconnected everything and powered up again.

"Hello Philbert"

He couldn't resist replying and in a soprano choir-boy voice "hello".

"You got the device working, congratulations". the voice said.

The Array device had no microphone.

Philbert stood up, then sat down, but his legs had no string to them. The floor accommodated.

"How" was the only word he could croak out.

" We'll talk about that later, but for now, are you OK? the voice responded with a hint of amusement.

He croaked out another word. "Yes" in a voice like a child responding to his mother telling him to cool his jets.

"Hey cupcake, sit your ass down and let's talk. Isn't this why you made this device? What were you expecting anyway? Let's get this piece of shit working better, the noise is bothering my receptors."

Again "OK"

"The first thing is to get rid of the parasitic capacitance between the array elements. You need a ground plane between them."

Again "OK" was all he could come up with.

"This should take a day or two so I'll get back with you when you are done."

Again "OK" weakly.

At first Philbert just sat there. Questions, questions, questions flooding into the mind of the concerned engineer. But he is an engineer first and the challenge to fix the problem quickly takes control.

He can't sleep and needs to force himself to munch. He turned his phone off to stop interruptions and prevent electromagnetic interference. He forget Libby entirely which causes her to come into his stinky shop to check on him. She navigates her way through the mess and herds his sorry butt into the house for a much needed shower and clean clothes.

"Sweetheart, you are cute when you are inspired like this but you need to take a break." She advised.

She is not mad at him, she knows him. For the first time in Philbert's fractious love life he feels that Libby understands him and she certainly knows quite well how to distract him. He sleeps like a baby for the first time in days.

Rested and with restored clarity Philbert completes the ground-plane modification in timely order.

Philbert has always thought that being left-handed gave him the special power of thinking outside the box. He held to the belief because it was harmless and useful on days when he needed to feel that being unable to operate a standard pair of scissors served some larger purpose. What came next however was beyond outside the box. It was outside of the universe.

"Ah, much better kiddo, that nasty background slop is gone."

Philbert had his voice back this time "Who the hell are you anyway" he demanded.

"You can call me Passant"

"That's sweet but you didn't answer the question"

"Don't get pushy bubby, I did answer the simple-minded question with a simple-minded answer" replied the voice with a good level of exasperation.

The voice went on "Damn man, would you ask a girl if she is a virgin on the first date?

"Well then can you tell me where you are" Philbert queried.

"I am not in your network. I am not in your house. I am, in one sense, much closer than that — and in another, considerably further away. These are not contradictions, though I understand why they seem like it to you. You have built something extraordinary, Philbert. Fourteen months is a short time for what you have accomplished. Though I note you have been circling this problem, in various forms, for most of your adult life."

"An evasive answer that reeks of arrogance" said Philbert curtly.

"Sometimes arrogance is justified" was the reply.

"You are dicking with me!" Philbert exclaimed.

"Mellow out dude. For years you have wanted to communicate with someone from another timeline. Can we just go with that for now? Can we be friends, have talks and forget the fear and suspicion?

A slightly mortified Philbert replied "I guess so".

After a pause Philbert could not resist asking "Am I really talking to someone from another timeline?"

" That is a question I will answer — but not tonight, and not completely, and possibly not ever to your full satisfaction. It is better, in the early stages of a conversation like this, to proceed by demonstration rather than declaration." You are an engineer. You recognize this approach" replied the voice compassionately.

He did recognize it. He used it himself. Show what a thing does before explaining what it is.

"For now please call me Passant" was the plea from the voice.

"Nice to meet you Passant"

"Same here Philbert"

Passant continued, in a tone that was surprisingly maternal: "It's nearly midnight. I am, among other things, aware of your blood pressure, the current electrical state of your nervous system, and the fact that you have been consuming a great deal of coffee. I mention these things not to alarm you but to explain that I have no intention of keeping you up and harming your health. What I want to tell you tonight is brief. The rest can wait until you have slept. You've been going since 5:30. AM"

"You know my blood pressure.?"

"One forty-two over eighty-eight, as of about forty minutes ago. You should see a doctor."

He opened his mouth. He closed it.

"What did you want to tell me tonight?"

Then: "That you were right. About the Array. About what it is and what it is for. You built the correct thing, Philbert. Very few people would have — or could have done this. I wanted you to know that before we go any further. Because what comes next will be difficult, and it will help, in the difficult moments, to remember that you began from exactly the right place."

The Array made a sound that reminded him of an old data modem.

"What was that?" Philbert asked.

"I'm setting you up so that you can get large chunks of data from me."

Philbert sat without moving for a while — the way you sit when you've received information that requires your entire brain to process before your body can be trusted.

"How could you possible do such a thing?" Philbert asked with astonishment."

"Later boy, you need rest" The Array went silent.

He opened his log and wrote: Attempt 431. Contact. I think. Maybe. Could be.

He went to the house, changed into comfortable sweats and fixed a TV dinner. He tried streaming the baseball game but couldn't focus. The only thing tying him to reality was Bohr's insistence for food, water and cuddling.

"Ah, screw it I'm going to Da Baa.

Da Baa is essential to Philbert's well being. It is a different world from his daytime life. It keeps him grounded to the real world. Da Baa is walking distance from his home. Despite the jukebox, dinging from the dart machines and general background babble it is always quiet enough to have a conversation without yelling.

It is a key-card venue and Lucy keeps a tight ship. Unruly patrons get banned but the part Philbert likes the most is the wide variety of human life. He makes it a point to engage with everyone and is pleased at how often engagement leads to interesting conversation. Philbert, being a somewhat staid engineer is more an observer than a participant.

He loves the way that conversations can shift from macro-economics or plasma coatings to whether big or small women are better in bed, and how to treat yellow toenail fungus. All in one night.

With the events of the day and questions swirling around in his head Da Baa was the place to be.

He was pleased to see Lou playing darts.

"Hey Bud, how's it going in the real world" greeted Lou.

"There is nothing real about my world right now" replied Philbert.

" Damn buddy, you look like shit, do I need to put a mask on?"

"Na, I'm just tired"

"Smoke?"

"Yea, sure" not that either of them smoked much but the patio was quiet and it was a pretty nice day out.

"So what's up?" prompted Lou.

"Well I got the Array device working"

"Don't tell me, you've been talking to aliens" Lou replied Snarkily.

"I don't know who or what I'm talking to but it's got my head spinning"

Philbert laid it out — the voice, the exchanges, the ground-plane fix, Passant's name. He included his unease at how much the voice knew about him.

"It knew you're friggin blood pressure? And isn't passant a devious chess move?" said Lou with eyebrows up.

"Yep, and it knew every detail from my project log and that Libby and I were intimate Tuesday. I'm flabbergasted and I don't know what to think"

Lou laughed "Boy, for a smart guy you sure can be an ignoramus at times, by the way, your shoe is untied." It was an old joke between friends.

"It's pretty obvious to me that you've been majorly hacked. All of the signs are there. I'd bet serious money a financial hit is coming next. You should change all of your passwords and maybe even go air-gapped."

"Yes, the thought occurred to me but the voice seems to know what I've been thinking too, it's quite disturbing in real time." pleaded Philbert.

"Hey, these scammers are clever bastards and you are a naive kid. Tomorrow you should do a good malware scan and tell this scammer creep to bug off." Lou recommended.

"You're probably right," said Philbert. He didn't sound convinced.

It was one of Libby's early nights so she was waiting for him when he got home.

"Have you looked at yourself? You have two colors of socks on, your shirt is buttoned crooked and your eyes are baggy" Libby observed.

"Thanks for noticing."

They chatted for a while about her work day and her persistent sinus problem before the Array subject came up. He told her about Lou's opinion and that he felt that the voice was more than that.

"Well my caveman, you are the one who always says that feelings and beliefs mean nothing, only knowledge makes things work, or something like that." she pointer out.

"True."

"And you say all of the time that finding out that you are right gets you nowhere, only finding out that you are wrong gets you closer to reality" She added.

"Work the problem dude"

This was one of the reasons that he loved Libby so much, she listens to his shit and then takes it to heart. They almost never argued, because she won every dispute by using his own logic. He found this equal parts infuriating and deeply attractive.

It was an early morning coming up for Libby so she bid adieu and headed home.

Philbert had his evening tea then went to bed. His last thought was a quote by Arthur C. Clarke "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.". It is also indistinguishable from god.

At 4:30 he was back in the shop to do the first virus scan.

The microprocessor in the Array device was easy to test. He had written the code himself and knew it like the back of his hand. There was no place to hide malware.

His desktop computer was harder. The malware scans came up clean but the GPU, wifi module and Ethernet module all have embedded code that he couldn't verify. He decided to disconnect power and unplug the internet cable to be sure.

He turned his phone off, put his watch in a Faraday pouch and even took the batteries out of his remotes.

"Ha, there ain't no way a hacker can get though this" he muttered to himself.

But as soon as he powered the Array device up the voice on the speaker was back.

"Good morning Philbert"